This is probably the most personal, deep piece that I’ve ever written. And I’m a bit nervous sending this to you (aaaaaaah) – but I hope that something in here will spark something healing and transformative inside of you.
Today, I’m still shocked by what’s been unraveling in my life the last week.
As it was all unfolding, I kept feeling called to share it with you, even though this is some DEEPLY personal stuff. My personal journalling of unraveling wounds from childhood and how they’ve affected my life, and are still affecting me.
I want to show you behind the scenes of what a breakthrough looks like.
Self-healing, the metaphysical, doing the ‘inner work’ seems so INTANGIBLE. Where do you even start? How do you even find and capture one of those elusive “limiting beliefs”.
What are the PRACTICAL steps?! Enough with the fluffy the Universe loves you crap! (I’m such an Aries).
But it IS actually super practical – and it’s mostly about being OPEN to the truth, and being OPEN to letting the process unfold – and having patience with it.
Yes it’s painful, yes it’s messy (just you wait!), but it’s SO worth doing this.
Breakthroughs aren’t these magical things that come out of nowhere and heal you overnight. Breakthroughs are something you engage WITH. They are something you INITIATE. They are a slow unraveling.
And the big breakthroughs are normally the result of a million tiny little breakthroughs that don’t feel so big.
I have had maybe a couple of BIG breakthroughs. But almost every couple of weeks, I’ve had these little breakthroughs that add up over time.
When I say breakthrough = I mean a belief/emotional trauma/baggage/resentment that has been holding me back, keeping me stuck, keeping me self-sabotaging comes to the surface and I have a realisation about WHY I do something or think some way.
Breakthroughs happen when your WILLING to look at what’s going. If you’re not, if you just distract distract distract, numb numb numb – it will look like a breakdown.
Let me show you an example, by taking you through what happened last week.
I hope that me sharing this will inspire you to go deep, do the detective work, and heal the emotional root causes that are keeping you STUCK and BLOCKED.
PART 1: THE UNRAVELING
On Friday, I discovered one my core beliefs thats been holding me back.
For about 2 years, I’ve been slowly chipping away at this one, kind of dancing around it, picking at pieces of it. In the last week particularly, I’d been chipping away at this one.
Then on Friday, the depth of it and all it’s layers hit me like a TON OF BRICKS.
But let me back up a minute.
Friday started just like any other day – I was in a pretty good mood when I woke up, doing my visualisation/processing/gratitude practice. I did some writing, did some yoga, made some brekky.
As I was making brekky and cleaning up the kitchen, I was listening to a podcast. And the guy being interviewed was just so God damn HAPPY and FULFILLED – it was actually irritating to me. He was talking about how connected he feels, how much he loves his family, how great his life was. It was pissing me off! That stupid jerk.
It had TRIGGERED me BIG TIME. I know when something get’s me feeling like that – there is something for ME to look at inside of MYSELF!
Then I jumped in the sauna, where I normally journal for about 10 – 15 minutes as a little ‘check in’ ritual.
Here’s what I wrote: “I’m feeling frustrated and bitter. I’m just sick of striving and searching. I just want a break. I just want to be there already. I feel like the harder I try and the more I want it, the further away I push it. I’m never arriving. I’m sick of it all.”
Can you relate? These are the words I’m constantly hearing from people trying to heal and solve their health problems. And here I am writing them!
I was bitter about being stuck in the last leg of healing for a long time now. I was bitter about not being able to lose this last bit of weight. I was bitter about not being where I wanted to with work and finances. I was bitter that for some reason, I still just wanted to hide out at home, even though I want to get back out into the world again!
So after that little moment, I tried to get on with work, but I just couldn’t focus. I was all over the place, and ended up procrastinating all morning. (Procrastinating on anything = avoiding emotions).
So afternoon came, and I headed outside with my journal. I had to walk my talk, and make myself face whatever was bubbling up. Stop resisting and melt into it.
I wrote down “what’s holding me back right now?”
I asked and I sat waiting for an answer.
I wrote down my big work/health/life goals right now. Then I started writing the downsides of achieving those goals (one of the best, most counterintuitive exercise ever!).
With everything you want that you’re not able to achieve, there’s always hidden downsides, some kind of negative belief that your subconscious is holding onto that’s stopping you from getting there..
At first I wrote down “I don’t want to be ‘one of them’”.
You know, one of those skinny, perfect health coaches that looks like a former model, that tells us to eat raw food and drink green smoothies – and we’re over here like “we’ve got serious health problems, and that’s not working for us!”.
Part of me is angry and has some contempt for those girls, because they don’t get what it’s really like to have REAL health problems that green smoothies don’t fix. They sold me bullshit for years. (PS – This isn’t necessarily true, but just a belief I’ve taken on).
If I was perfectly healthy, I wouldn’t feel like I was “in the ring” with you guys. Would I still be able to write and connect to you like I do now? If I wasn’t still suffering on some level (even though it’s mild), would I feel like a fraud talking about chronic illness and healing?
But I knew this wasn’t the real belief that was holding me back. This was just a layer. So I kept digging.
I wrote again “What’s the belief holding me back?”
And then bingo bango – it came to me.
“I’m not worthy of being seen.”
“I cause people pain.”
“They won’t like me.”
Jackpot. But then I uncovered the next layer.
“I’m responsible for people feeling bad, and making them unhappy, and for fixing it. I am the cause of unhappiness.”
One of my core beliefs is that I make people unhappy, which I’ve always kind of known is there, but the clarity that came to me this time was intense.
And it’s funny because one of my driving values and who I WANT to be (and I have this written up on my wall) is I bring sunshine, lightness and happiness with me everywhere I go! Ironic. My biggest blocking belief is the opposite of my biggest core desire.
But I wasn’t done yet. This was just the beginning of the unraveling.
“I don’t feel worthy of taking up space and being a “real” human.”
And then for the real doozy (the DEEPEST belief at my core):
“I’m an observer, not a participator.”
Basically: I’m not worthy of being alive, being seen, taking up space or participating in life.
I’ve never felt like a REAL person. I’m not one of them. I’m an outsider. I don’t belong. No matter where I go, who I’m around. I feel like this.
I’ve always felt like I don’t belong here. I’m the black sheep. I cause pain. I just ruin things for everyone else. The world would be better off if I wasn’t here. Like somehow it’s a mistake that I’m here.
Like in Back to the Future, where Marty goes to the past, but he’s not supposed to talk to or interact with anyone in case he messes up the order of the Universe. That’s how I’ve always felt.
It’s strange too, because my family are actually amazing. I never had any “real” trauma happen to me. But that’s the funny thing about how the subconscious child-brain works. It’s not objective or reasonable or even based on truth.
My family dynamics were a little bit complicated. I have an older brother and sister, who have a different Dad. During my childhood, in between all the fun times playing in the pool, me and my brother riding the go-kart my Dad built, playing dress up with my sister – nobody was really happy with the situation.
My parents weren’t happy together, especially my Dad. But they were staying together for me. My brother and sister weren’t happy because they didn’t like my Dad. And my wounded child quickly learnt that it was all my fault, because they were staying together because of me.
I don’t think anyone thought I really noticed what was going on, since I was only 5 years old. But I saw it all. Every little facial expression. Every nuance of the way they spoke. I was a good observer of people, even then. I don’t miss an eye flicker without knowing what someone is really feeling.
And I got the message pretty quickly: Me being alive made people unhappy. I cause pain. People are unhappy because of me.
That’s the thing about beliefs – even if they’re not true, it doesn’t matter. It’s all about PERCEPTION.
At 6 years old, I actually developed myopia/nearsightedness and needed glasses. I didn’t want to be seen. And I didn’t wan’t to see their unhappiness.
So, at 7 years old my parents did separate – and to be honest that was a bit of a shit-show that did some pretty good emotional damage.
I didn’t want to go to school anymore. This is when the pattern of not going to school 1 – 2 days every single week started, and I did this even until I graduated high school and even onwards (I was HIDING!).
I realise now, that I felt it was better for me to disappear as much as possible, because my existence in the world makes everyone worse off.
At 8 years old, the weight started piling on (HIDING). I also started throwing crazy tantrums – proving my own belief right that I make people unhappy and miserable!
And this pattern kept showing up with all the big traumatic things that happened in my life – I did something that made people unhappy. I caused misery.
I won’t bum you out with details, but I had some pretty dark times with depression – contemplated suicide frequently, was on anti-depressants, drinking (while on anti-depressants) and cutting. (Surprisingly, never drugs though, despite the black hair and black clothes I wore!).
And now I see, all because of this one core belief. That’s the damage they can do. They can drive you’re entire life, and you have no idea.
My big emotional pattern was GUILT. I feel like I was born with guilt – just for being alive. I knew after I was diagnosed with celiac that it was guilt. I even said “The guilt is eating me alive”.
Every choice I’ve made has been to disappear more and more from the world.
(And it’s funny too, because in the past life I did the regression on, I chose to drown and disappear, because it was easier!)
All the things that aren’t working in my life are layers of defence, protection and shielding. They are really great ‘excuses’ for me to hide away, and not participate in life. Not be seen.
Sometimes the ‘problems’ in our lives are actually the subconscious’s solutions.
What I’ve learnt is that the root causes of the problems in our life are a combination of:
- a belief or pattern created before we were 7 years old, when our subconscious is being programmed
- a reason why we’re not worthy, not good enough
- a reason we believe we’re a bad person
- not feeling safe in the world
- and there are a few major emotional patterns that show up for people: fear, criticism, resentment and guilt. Most of us has one of these running the show.
PART 2: THE REBUILDING
Friday, I spent almost the whole day crying as I unraveled all of this.
Just when I would think I was done, and let it go, I would have another little realisation that brought me to tears.
It was rough, but I knew as it was happening that this was a deep, huge breakthrough – and that is exciting!
The important thing is BEING OPEN TO THE PROCESS.
WANTING to really see the TRUTH behind all of it. Even if it’s painful. Even if it’s messy. Even if it’s kind of sucky while you’re in.
Because afterwards you feel so light, so free, and so GOOD that it’s all worth it. Get that shit OUT of you. If you don’t go through this process, it’s just stuck INSIDE of you. You’re swimming in a pool of shit! Not good.
Once I journal it all out, cry it all out, I feel SO good. My state has shifted completely. I can feel this energy come through me, after this release. I can feel the joy and lightness coming back, better than before.
Once I knew the truth about it all, I wrote out an affirmation. “It’s safe for me to participate in life. I shine with happiness, lightness and joy, and people feel that. I make the world a better place by being in it. It’s safe for me to be here. It’s okay for me to be here.”
And I believed it now.
THIS is where affirmations are good. When you’ve unraveled WHY you’re blocked, WHY you’re stuck. When you’ve found a belief, and gotten to the bottom of that truth barrel. That’s when you reprogram and integrate with affirmations.
Otherwise affirmations are just shoving the truth further down.
So after I’d journal all this, I’d had a huge cry. I’d sat and gave myself quiet time and space to PROCESS. Just sitting, relaxing. Seeing if anything else needed to come up (and it did, quite a few times, taking me deeper and deeper).
CRYING IS CATHARTIC. It’s releasing!
When clients start apologise for crying, I’m like no, crying is a good thing! It’s getting it out. Go for it!
Then I did a coffee enema. My experience, and the that of my clients and the girls in Detox Done Different, is that the emotional detoxing always parallels the physical detoxing. They work synergistically together.
I usually do a coffee enema after a big emotional detoxing session.
As I was lying there, in silence, stillness and giving myself some mental space – I had another huge realisation (can I take another one at this point?!).
NONE of it was even true! *I* wasn’t the cause of their unhappiness. Okay so maybe my Mum made Dad unhappy and vice versa, and maybe my siblings didn’t like my Dad – but that actually had nothing to do with ME!
I know, from stories, from photos, and from my memories, that they actually ADORED me and loved me and really wanted me. I’d spent 20 years feeling unwanted, pushing everyone away, putting up defences – for something that wasn’t even TRUE!
Then all of these memories and things they’ve all said started flashing through my mind – they DO love me! I did make them happy. They did want me.
I felt so silly. But this is where the magic of reprogramming belief happens.
In order to change the subconscious programming – you need to get into a different state. You have to snap yourself out of your story.
At that moment, realising this, I was in a different state. So happy, so joyful, so full of love. And I was rewriting the story I’d been telling myself my whole life. Just with a change of perspective.
That’s the thing about beliefs – even if they’re not true, it doesn’t matter. It’s all about PERCEPTION.
After my coffee enema, I started looking through my baby photo albums. I’d already cried buckets, but apparently there was still more. I just saw love love love everywhere.
The stories we tell ourselves aren’t true. They’re just stories.
The day after (Saturday), I woke up with a breakthrough hangover. I was TIRED! I was just totally shagged after all that. That was rough, but it needed to come out.
I’m still integrating it all.
But I could feel it: I was changed. I felt LIGHTER than ever. I rested and was really gentle with myself. I meditated, journalled, sat and rested. Then I let myself check out a little bit (I may or may not have watched Vanderpump Rules and The Hills. Don’t tell any one.).
I’ve been softly reprogramming with my affirmation – “It’s safe for me to be here.” I went to the beach yesterday and repeated it in my head.
I did a bit of a clean out yesterday – I always like to do some physical letting go and cleansing as a symbolic gesture.
And all of that started from simple asking “What’s the belief holding me back?”, being open and willing to see the TRUTH, and giving myself time and space and stillness to go deep.
I’m still nervous pressing send on this one, but I hope sharing my breakthrough and process helps spark you’re own breakthrough.